Truth be told, seeking professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That’s why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you seek professional help to improve your marriage.

Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner’s insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can’t feel joy because you’re too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not %26quot;give in.%26quot; To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you’ve drawn. And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships. And yet, when they’re offered the tools, they can’t seem to move forward. These are the couples who, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, %26quot;Our problems are your fault and you must pay.%26quot; As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure. How very sad. Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day observe their parents being %26quot;right%26quot; but %26quot;miserable.%26quot; What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn’t be reading this if it didn’t), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

%26quot;All this sounds good,%26quot; you tell yourself, %26quot;but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?%26quot; Good question. You don’t! Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will happen, is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won’t go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn’t easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.

So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind’s eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.

Michele Weiner-Davis is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, psychotherapist, and marriage educator specializing in a down-to-earth, solution-oriented approach that helps people change their lives and improve important relationships. Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together. In addition to her private practice, she is the author of six books, the Director of The Divorce Busting Center in Woodstock, Ilinois and a highly acclaimed teacher and trainer, known for her clear, informative, energetic and entertaining seminars for couples and mental health professionals. She consistently ranks among top presenters at national conferences. For more information, visit www.divorce busting.com.

The inability of the marriage laws to meet the needs of many couples makes the concept of a marital agreement quite positive, despite the bad publicity premarital agreements have reached. The freedom to structure a relationship should not be determined by laws that do not reflect the changing realities of family life in America today.

There is no firm tradition of marital contracts in our country because of the inherent resistance of comparing love to a business deal. Many civilized societies through the ages, however, have documented marital agreements with written documents.

Celebrities and the media have made couples aware of the concept of a contract executed between a married couple, whether terming it a premarital, prenuptial, antenuptial or postmarital agreement. The rich have known about them for years, but middle-class America, alarmed about the rising divorce rate, is anxious to know more.

Who Needs Them?

• Anyone about to enter a marriage who is concerned about the inadequacies of the laws in the face of today’s social realities.
• Anyone who is remarrying.
• Anyone concerned about protecting the assets of children from a prior marriage.
• Anyone who has a financially dependent parent.
• Business owners, particularly of professional practices and particularly those with business partners, because a spouse effectively becomes a silent partner in the business.
• Anyone with significant separate property in states where a spouse is entitled to a share of income from separate property.
• Anyone whose intended spouse has significant premarital responsibilities, such as alimony, child support, or tax obligations.
• Anyone cautious enough to prefer a written record of the ownership of assets to avoid confusion in the future from creditors or other family members.

It’s not romantic, it’s practical. And limiting a spouse’s take upon divorce is far from the only purpose, despite the perception gleaned from the popular press. Doesn’t it make sense to make decisions under the best of circumstances instead of during the emotional upheaval of a troubled relationship?

As with most things, there’s good news and bad news about private marital contracts. The openness needed for such an agreement is good for a relationship; the implication of a lack of trust is bad. A marital contract can avoid expensive and emotionally debilitating divorce trials, but it’s expensive to enforce any contract in court. Such an agreement will reduce to writing the agreement for division of property upon divorce, although it can prevent a spouse from obtaining marital rights upon divorce.

Johnette Duff is the author of The Spousal Equivalent Handbook: a legal and financial guide to living together, The Marriage Handbook: a legal and financial guide to your spousal rights, and Love After 50: the complete legal and financial guide. Nationally, she has appeared on Today, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning and in The Wall Street Journal, Self, Smart Money, New Woman and Modern Maturity promoting information on love and the law. Ms. Duff is licensed in the State of Texas. For more information, visit her website at www.Love And The Law.com.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, “I’m sorry.” Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted– as long as I looked sincere and said, “I’m sorry.” It was like having a “Get out of jail free” Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It’s for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they’ve created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense.
This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you’re apologizing for.

2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner.
This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.

3. Describe why you did what you did.
This reassures your spouse that you’re on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.

4. Describe why you’re interested in changing the offensive behavior.
This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you’re a team.

5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing.
This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don’t change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts.
It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.

2. You will be heard all the way through.
Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.

3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology.
These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.

4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the number 3, above.)

5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).

Putting It All Together
1. “Honey, I’ve been thinking about your comments that I don’t follow through consistently when I say I’ll do something. I apologize for that.

2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should “remind” me or not. If you don’t speak up you run the risk that I won’t follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.

3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it’s just to get you off my back. I think, “well, I’ll do it if I get time.” But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, often I simply don’t make the time. I’m also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours–and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven’t thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.

4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.

5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don’t follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.”

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” For more information, visit the Couples Institute.

However, it’s important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it’s possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It’s not easy: There are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions. But years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.

Let the healing begin…
Surviving infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it’s helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages.

If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions: shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal.

Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. It’s easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between.

Although some people are more curious than others, it’s very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to “come clean” helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely.

Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the “whys” aren’t always crystal clear.

No one “forces” anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if doesn’t feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it’s important to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction?

It’s equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.

If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.

Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can’t apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren’t. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.

Conversely, talking about the affair can’t be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and their nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right (be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy) and still, the marriage won’t mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.

But forgiveness doesn’t just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today.

Michele Weiner-Davis is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, psychotherapist, and marriage educator specializing in a down-to-earth, solution-oriented approach that helps people change their lives and improve important relationships. Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together. In addition to her private practice, she is the author of six books, the Director of The Divorce Busting Center in Woodstock, Ilinois and a highly acclaimed teacher and trainer, known for her clear, informative, energetic and entertaining seminars for couples and mental health professionals. She consistently ranks among top presenters at national conferences. For more information, visit www.divorce busting.com.